Most people don’t know this, but I keep a journal/diary/whatever-you-want-to-call-it on my computer. It’s a place for me to hash out exactly what’s going on in my life privately, to put my thoughts into words, make plans, build resolve, and the like. Sometimes it helps me to form coherent thoughts out of a stream of consciousness or to see how ridiculous some of my concerns really seem from an objective viewpoint. I don’t write in it often, it only seems to be times when something bad has happened, when I’m feeling low, when something exciting has occurred, or when I’m trying to work something out spiritually. Today’s entry belongs to that last category. I was reading Crazy Love by Francis Chan earlier today while it was calm at work and it inspired some thoughts.
After I had finished the entry I decided that I wanted to share it with others in case they are in a similar spot. Not all of these thoughts are original, and I’m sure that many echo much of what I’ve read so far in the book, but the sentiments are mine.
October 19, 2011
Yesterday, when I was finally able to leave the house after Connor's mom picked him up after school and after the dogs had been fed and walked I went to Barnes & Noble to pick up a couple of books. I picked up Crazy Love and Forgotten God by Francis Chan. Right now I've read through the first two chapters [since I've finished the third chapter] of Crazy Love and it appears that this is a book that I really need to read and ponder. The purpose of the book is to assist readers in fostering a high view of God with the accompanying love for Him that should ensue. I know that lately, perhaps for my whole life even, I've had a very difficult time with loving God. Actually loving Him. I hope that this book combined with more time in Scripture will assist me in changing that. I know that God is “holy, holy, holy” to use the Hebrew repetition reflecting perfection, but I've always had a difficult time translating that knowledge into action and love. At the very least this book isn't going to hurt anything. It has already helped me to get into a better frame of mind by reminding me of things that I already know. Sometimes that's not such a bad thing.
Sometimes it is a good thing to be reminded how weak and fragile we are; that our lives are really nothing more than a vapor; that the only purpose to our existence is to glorify God. As the Jesus says: “Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life?” (Matthew 6:27). Worry and stress are symptoms of selfishness. They are sinful. And they are two sins that I have a great deal of difficulty with. I seem to be a natural worrier. I have difficulty seeing beyond the difficulties of life that I am presently facing. I forget that everything is in God's hands and nothing will happen to me that is outside of God's plan and sovereign will. Everything I do in my life should be designed to point others to God. The only way that I can do that is if I rejoice in everything and show others the peace I have because of my faith in Christ.
I know that this is not a problem that is going to be easily solved. I know that it will be something that I struggle with perhaps for the rest of my life. But this reminder is essential. It reminds me of my proper place in this world. As Francis Chan points out, even the great biblical figures of David, Abraham, Moses, Paul, Peter, and Mary are not lead roles in the story of this world – God alone is the lead. God is the center of this story. He alone is eternal. Everything in Scripture points to God. It is about God working in the life of Solomon, God working in the life of David, God working in the life of Saul become Paul. In terms of earthly significance I can't even hold a candle to those figures; if they are just bit parts, what does that make me?
I need to remember to be thankful and grateful for what I do have. I must remember that I must “Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice!” (Philippians 4:4). This is not optional, it is a command. It is an imperative. I cannot rejoice in the Lord while I am worried and stressed. I have a choice between the one or the other. Sometimes I need to stop and consider all of the things that I do have to be grateful for. First and foremost is that God sent His Son to die as a result of my sins so that I may be spared eternal damnation. My student loans or my current inability to find a career pale in comparison to the greatness of that one gift. That is to say nothing about my family, the country and relative wealth I was born into, and the various opportunities that I've been given. I have been truly blessed and I must remember this far more frequently. I have never truly suffered from want and I've always had what I've needed.
There is a praise chorus that is sung frequently at church. I really enjoy it, but I've always had some difficulty singing it wholeheartedly:
How great the Father's love for us,
how vast beyond all measure...
Those are words that for some reason I've always had difficulty identifying with. The next two lines have always hit a little closer to home:
That He should give His only son,
to make a wretch his treasure...[emphasis added]
I have no trouble recognizing my own wretchedness. That is a topic that I am intimately familiar with. This book, combined with the numerous Scriptural references is helping to reacquaint me with those first two lines of that chorus. These are things that I know intellectually. They have been driven into my head all my life in church after all. One of the first songs that I ever learned to sing was “Jesus Loves Me”. Sometimes it seems like all of this intellectual knowledge has somehow inoculated me from actually knowing this love.
Perhaps part of the problem is that I've had very little earthly experience with love. It's not that I don't love my family or that they don't love me. That is absolutely not true. But it's a love that I've always known. I know nothing else. It is difficult for me to conceive of life in any other circumstance. It is the norm. When something is so normal – so consistent and reliable – you can easily take it for granted. I have never known a time when I was without the love of my parents or my sisters, just as there has never been a time that I can remember that God's love has not seemed to have been a given. Familiarity breeds complacency. This complacency comes into being through a process similar to how a body becomes immune to real sickness through vaccination; an exposure to an inert form of the disease inoculates you to the real thing. I have been so exposed to the intellectual or “inert” knowledge of God's love that my heart seems to be immune to the reality of it. I can't speak from experience, but it seems that I might value God's love more had I not “known” it for my entire life, just as I might appreciate the love of my family more had I been adopted rather than born into it. I have no earthly experience with receiving love that someone didn't “have” to give or that hasn't always been there. God does not “have” to give me His love, which is why it is so amazing. But my inexperience with what I'll call “elective love” causes me to take it for granted. I might not be so complacent about His love and about loving Him if it was something I had only recently become acquainted with or if I had experiential knowledge of what it is like to be loved despite who I am by someone who does not have to love me.
And God does love me. How do I know this? Well, as that old chorus says “For the bible tells me so”. There is of course the obvious reference:
For God so loved the world the he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life. (John 3:16)
But the more amazing context is this:
But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.
Since we have now been justified by his blood, how much more shall we be saved from God's wrath through him! For if, when we were God's enemies, we were reconciled to him through the death of his Son, how much more, having been reconciled, shall we be saved through his life! (Romans 5:8-10) [emphasis added]
These two passages demonstrate that He loves me, and there are still more references that I could cite. But He didn't have to love me. As the verses in Romans 5 point out; He loved me while I was still a sinner, and he reconciled me to him through the death of His Son while I was His enemy. God hates sin, yet He still loves me. He doesn't have to, but He does. I think this is something that everyone should be reminded of regularly, but especially me as I've never really consciously known anything else.
I can only hope and pray that in continuing to read through that book, spending time in the Word, and through diligent prayer that I will finally begin to truly love God. I know that I can never love Him as much as He deserves, but I know that I can love Him more than I do now.
